Dear Squirrel,
You are 6 months today! You weighed in at 19.4 lbs and are measuring 29 inches. You're my BIG boy. In honor of your half-birthday I'm posting your birth story, which has taken me over 3 months to write! I hope you read this one day, and discern the love and peace that we endeavored to bring you into.
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| Summer time fun for the happy boy. |
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| Phee's First Ouchy. |
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| Phoenix holds my thumb while he naps. |
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| 6 Months |
My Birth Story
Phoenix
Axè Harris
January
29, 2012
1:53
PM
SweetPhee,
This is the story of your birth!
In the wee morning hours of January 29th, I laid in
bed wide awake. I had had an exhausting, yet exciting and special day of birth
preparation class followed by Auntie Khali’s beautiful baby shower. I felt very
tired, and I didn’t think you’d be making your way into the world any time
soon. I felt this way because I wasn’t having a ton of contractions AND because
the average gestation for a first baby is 41.5 weeks. We hadn’t even reached 40
weeks when….
12:15AM
I heard an internal pop! Our birth instructors told us that’s
what we’d hear when our water broke. I was so excited that I turned to your
father and yelped, “my water’s about to break!” I ran to the bathroom and
nothing happened. Ha! I went back to bed, and sure enough, I had a massive and
short pressure wave. For the next hour or so, my waves were 10 minutes apart. I
was so excited! Your Dad went back to bed after he set up an app on his iPhone
to help me time the pressure waves.
I knew there was a change in my progress when I started getting
irritated that the screen was locking up in between each PW (Pressure Wave)! We
figured we’d be in this phase of labor, the early phase, for a long while. Our
birth instructors told us to work on projects during this time. I had planned
on baking you a birthday cake (golden cake with dark chocolate ganache
frosting) and doing a little crochet work on your baby blanket. I woke up your
Papa and asked him to configure the phone so I didn’t have to unlock it right
at the beginning of every PW. This is when we realized my PW had gotten much
closer together!
Your Dad called our amazing doula, Angela, and asked her to come
over. He also updated the midwives on our progress. Your Dad was so thoughtful
and relaxed at this point. He massaged me and suggested a shower for me, then
put my yoga ball in the bath tub so I could have a nice, hot shower before we
left for the birth suite. When I got out of the shower your father had set up
lots of candles in the living room, and since it was around 2 or 3 in the
morning, it was so beautifully dark outside—the candles lit our teeny little
house with an intimate and special glow, setting the scene for your peaceful
emergence. Looking back, everything felt and seemed so quiet during the night.
The darkness was an auspicious blanket cradling the beginning of your entrance
to the world.
Angela arrived, and gracefully entered our “birthing circle.” We
all decided that since my pressure waves were ranging from 2 minutes to 4
minutes apart that we should head to the birthing suite. We loaded up the car,
and hopped on the rarely empty Los Angeles freeways. Wow, was I grateful for
your timing, because the car ride was pretty intense! Trying to get comfy in
the backseat so I could relax during the pressure waves was a challenge, but
Angela had warned me about this part, so we all powered through.
3:30 AM
We arrived safely and swiftly at the Birth Sanctuary Birthing
Suite! As I stepped out of the elevator, I had a crazy orgasmic pressure wave!
We had read all about and watched Orgasmic Birthing—I’d been visualizing and
hoping for an orgasmic birth. Well, I had one orgasmic pressure wave, and I’ll
take it. The only way I can describe it, is an overwhelmingly euphoric feeling.
I felt so happy and I laughed through the wave. It was my one and only, ha!
After that wave was over we entered the birth suite where Molly was waiting.
Who Knows What Time AM
I can’t really remember when I turned my Hypnosis switch
to center (or fully on), but I know that I started using the hypnosis cues
right away. As the PW kept coming and coming, with only one minute in between
each wave, I felt that we moved into the following pattern for many, many
hours: Find a position to lay/lean in (lying on the bed or hanging on Cal or
Angela); relax/breathe through the pressure wave; sit on the toilet; REPEAT!
Often the PW were so close together that we had to hurry to find a new
position, grab a quick sip of water, run to the toilet, stuff pillows between
my legs, hurry up and relax. All in one minute. I shivered a lot that day. I
don’t remember feeling cold, but I think the shakes were just a by-product of
the tremendous gearing up my body was doing.
Food
My lovely birthing family tried to get me to eat, but everything
grossed me out big time! Almond butter on some very enthusiastically-seeded
bagel? No thanks. They tried a number of things that in my non-laboring state
would’ve flown down the hatch, but in the end, applesauce was the only thing I
could stomach. When I got really hungry I remembered that your dad had ordered
toast with part of his breakfast. I’d been sitting on the toilet, and everyone
was with me in the bathroom, phone-ordering breakfast to pick up from the café
downstairs. Your dad was asked what kind of bread he preferred and I yelled out
“sourdough!” I wasn’t hungry at the time, but I figured I could eat some toast,
and that your dad wouldn’t mind sharing with me. Well, when the time (and
hunger) came hours later, I asked for the toast and everyone looked around.
“There’s no toast,” your dad responded. “But I asked for toast!” I bleated.
Come to find out he had ordered a breakfast sandwich and “my” toast was the
vehicle for his eggs, bacon and cheese. Like a good birthing partner your dad
promptly went to go get some toast. But I didn’t know he had left. As more and
more time passed, I asked where your dad was a couple of times. I got
re-directed and told that he’d be right back. As small as this event sounds, I
got pretty wild in my head: mad that your dad left! Mad that he was taking so
long! Mad that he had eaten MY toast! After the fact I realized that I just
wanted him to be with me at every moment and turn, not to miss one second of
this monumentous (momentous + monumental) chapter of our lives. Which is no
surprise because I feel that way every day; always want him by my side. Well,
he FINALLY returned with the toast, and I had to let go of my anger at him to
focus on the task at hand: bringing you down and OUT!
Check and Balances
I didn’t want to have my first check done. Every story I’d heard
about the first check included big hopes for major cervical dilation and a big
let-down because of a shy cervix. Well, they checked, and my cervix was shy. Molly
didn’t say how shy, but she did say that I was too comfortable, and that we
needed to get me up and moving around, walking around, out of my comfort zone.
So she suggested some lunges on stairs.
That’s right, my big pregnant body was supposed to nimbly and
gracefully lift a leg to a higher step on a staircase, bend and balance in this
awkward position. Ha! I shot off a few death stares, and waddled myself up and
out to the landing with the help of your Dad and Angela. We walked the hallways
for a bit. And then we made our way to the stairs. I have to say that lunging
is a generous gerund to describe what I did that day on the stair steps. It was
more like a micro-bend in my standing leg. The thought of a lunge, rather.
I was pretty wiped out after this, and we moved back into the
pressure-wave-on-every-different-surface-of-the-birthing-suite pattern. The PW
continued to be about one minute apart, and my biggest fear about birthing you
was realized: I was becoming exhausted. I remember sitting on the toilet and
saying to myself out loud: “Body,
I just need a break. Please, give me a break so I can rest.” And this was one
of those moments that I’ll never forget because it was miraculous: I went and
laid down for the next pressure wave, and fell asleep! For a good, long 20-30
minute nap. I had been falling asleep between the PW for less than a minute,
but this nap was a godsend. A little while after I woke up, Molly checked me,
and I had gone from 3cm to 8/9cm!!! Our bodies are truly amazing.
Transition
We had a lot of info floating in our heads regarding birth. All
the classes, reading and stories were very helpful in preparing, but something
takes over when you’re in the thick of it that completely lacks right-brained
thought or motivation. It’s all just happening and intuitively you move with it
and the breath and concentrating just help to keep the analytical mind out of
the way. One exception to this was during transition. I distinctly remember
Kathy O describing the way the uterus starts to wave during transition: the
waves will feel like they’re pulling the uterus out and up. When I felt this
dual action waving I thought, “hmmm, I think this might be transition!”
Excitedly, I asked Angela, and she gave me a coy smile and confirmed my
suspicions. It was really cool, to be able to calmly feel my body working extra
hard to expand the cervix and understand what it was doing.
Tub Time
At this point we were authorized to get in the water. My birth
goddesses (midwife, midwife student and doula) had been saying the water wasn’t
warm enough/there were issues with filling it up—basically stalling until I was
dilated enough to get in the water. What a relief it was to lay in the water!
Your Dad got in the tub with me, and it was so pleasant to be in the water as
the PW got more and more intense.
Fear
There was one moment that day that I was truly afraid. This fear
grabbed onto me, and my hypnosis promptly left the building. Up until that
point I had felt very calm, like a focused, heavy bear carrying tons of precious
cargo up a vertical mountain. Molly checked me and noticed some swelling on the
cervical lip. At the same time I felt lots of pressure and an unbelievably
strong urge to push. She told me not to push, as it could injure my cervix. She
gave me some breathing exercises and a little homeopathic remedy, but the fear
took over and I began to panic and writhe around. I thought I can’t fight this
urge to push, and if I do push I’m gonna hurt myself or you. Your Dad could see
my fear, and he calmly and firmly told me, “Use your switch, lady. Use your
switch.” He was referring to the trigger or cue of my hypnosis. I listened to your Dad, and turned my switch to
the center position and immediately went limp. I felt my mind soften, my body
get heavy and loose and the fear was gone. I’m so grateful that I had hypnosis
for that scary moment. I’m more grateful that your Dad stayed calm and rocked
his birth partner role, directing me back into a calm, peaceful state.
Pushing
Shortly after the “swollen cervical lip scare,” Molly checked me
again, and I was compete! I was so happy and relieved. I remember shouting out:
“We did it!” Hilarious because you weren’t any where near born, but I felt that
the hard part was behind me. I was half right. The opening of the cervix took
so much mental energy, staying calm, relaxed, breathing and visualizing. But
pushing your 7 lb., 11.5 oz body out was all physical strength. Pushing you
down and out was really interesting! I thought it would be painful, but it
wasn’t. Just lots of exerting and pressure. I thought I would breathe the baby
out like I was taught in HB birthing class. But, that didn’t work for me. I
needed help finding where to push, and Molly showed your dad where to apply
pressure. This guiding really helped, and with Molly’s coaching I began to get
the hang of moving you down. I pushed for forty minutes.
Crowning
When you
were almost out, Molly asked if I wanted to reach inside to see if I could feel
your head. Well, I was really, really tired and when I first reached inside I
didn’t think I could feel anything. Or, I should say I could only feel swollen
tissue. But then, as I began to remove my fingers I thought, “Wait a second,
that may have been something.” So I reached again, and sure enough, I felt your
squishy little head right there.
We were getting pretty close to meeting you, and I’d been
pushing for a good while. I suddenly felt a burning, pinching sensation.
A NOTE ABOUT PAIN: First of all, the Hypnobabies daily
affirmations really helped frame my ideas about pressure vs. pain and birth
being a completely normal, natural experience. Based on the idea that the
body’s connection to pain is perceived and controlled by the brain, I made a
choice to experience only pressure. And intensity. Secondly, so many people
have asked me: “Does it hurt?!” “How bad was the pain?” Because our culture is
so inundated with images of horrible, painful and scary birth, I always
hesitate to tell them that my experience was a lovely and positive one. I think
they won’t believe me. And often times, people say, “No, you’re lying. Come on!
How?!” I’d love to be just one example of how beautiful, normal and healthy
birth can be.
But, I digress. Returning back to the burning, pinching
sensation! You were crowning. I was so surprised by this feeling, as I had just
done the very heavy, pressure-y work of pushing you down, that it truly shocked
me. As if I’d forgotten what crowning was, or that it existed and would surely
happen, I screamed, “Ouch! Someone’s pinching me!!! Owww-eeeeee!!!! Something
is pinching!!!! Ahhh!!!” At least I thought that I screamed and yelled out.
Your Dad informed me that it was actually more like a soft yelp and declaration
that something pinched. And that is another reason birth is so tremendous. I
was truly transported, so much so that I was experiencing the same event as the
other people in the room, but on a completely different plane.
So, if I had to pick a moment where I felt pain, this would be
it. And it makes sense because this is where I had tearing. But it was such a
temporary pain. And birthing time is interesting that way: there is such a
temporary quality to every moment, every wave, every stage. And because the
baby HAS to come out! So, even though I felt like I was pushing forever, or someone
might be in early labor forever, the baby can’t stay inside forever. So the
mindset of running a marathon is really helpful, because you know there’s a
finish line ahead, and that some parts will be a steep climb requiring more
strength, like the pushing. And some parts will be a slow and steady jog, like
the focus required to relax your cervix from completely closed to completely
open.
You You You
Most of your
head came out. Pause. I always thought, “why do women pause on the pushing
after the head comes out. I’m definitely not going to do that!” Well, now I
know. Because the head is the hardest and biggest BONEY part to push out, and
you need a little break right after you accomplish that! And then you shot
right out!!! Just like Kathy O. said, “the kegel exercises will help the
vaginal walls to create a slide so the baby will slide ride out.” Anyway, your
Dad wanted to catch you, but we didn’t anticipate you coming out as fast as you
did, so Molly swung right in and grabbed you. We joke that your dad fumbled the
play. As I was leaning forward on the side of the tub, Angela told me to sit
back, and they put you right on my chest.
You cried
immediately! I couldn’t believe that you were finally here, and tears and
laughter welled up big and loud inside me. We still didn’t know if you were a
Phoenix or a Stella or a Maisie, so I asked your Dad, “should we look and see
what it is?” I said, “Let’s just wait.” So we did!!! We just marveled over you
for a few minutes. What I didn’t know is that your Dad had gotten a flash of
baby parts, and already knew your gender. I went to adjust your blanket, and
saw something, but couldn’t tell what it was. So, then I knew it was time to
find out! I looked down, and spied male parts! I could NOT believe my eyes. We,
everybody and the postman’s hairdresser’s cousin thought you were a girl. But,
no, you were my sweet baby bird! Phoenix, you surprised and delighted us with
your amazing arrival.
Afterbirth
We hung in
the water for a while, and cuddled family-style. You opened and closed your
eyes, and we just stared at you, and laughed and cried. We moved to the bed and
cuddled some more. We positioned you for a chest crawl, but you just laid on
me, making teeny movements. So I pulled you up to the breast and you “latched
on” with some help. Your funny little latch included sucking on your bottom lip
AND the nipple. We stared at you and your grey eyes, head full of hair, and
vernix-frosted body while the ladies did their baby assessment. Molly showed us
our amazing placenta, but I was really more interested in you.
We left the
birthing suite a few hours after you were born. Your Dad was soooo tired, he
was nervous about driving us home. Armed with a latte, we headed home, after
fussing with the car seat. You were so teeny tiny! Fatigue and a heavy quiet
set in on that car ride. Your Dad said that he almost forgot we had you in the
car on the way home. Angela dropped off some delicious Vietnamese take out and
we settled in and began the longest staring contest of our lives….watching you
is a competitive sport. And it never gets old.
History
We wrapped
you in some cozy swaddles and blankets, took some pics of you and continued to
share the news of your arrival. Exhausted, we settled into bed after a visit
from your Abuela and Grand-Dan. We tried to sleep, but arose at every peep,
grunt, cry and noise you made. We marveled over you. We pinched ourselves. We
had imagined this moment for months, fantasized about who and what you would
be. Well the moment was here. We fell in love in with you. And the rest, as
they say, is history.
